The emotions experienced by a child are quite a challenge for adults. Many of us experience real difficulties in adopting the right attitude when a toddler cries, gets angry, becomes hysterical, or has outbursts of aggression. On the one hand, this is the moment we want to care for the child. On the other hand, we want to avoid raising a spoiled kid that will not be able to cope with everyday situations in the future. Then there are our own feelings and fears, and sometimes simply feeling helpless.
Does stress-free parenting exist?
We need to ask this question before we move on to the next ones. The term “stress-free parenting” often does not define the true intentions or techniques of child-upbringing, and it sounds somewhat mocking. We may talk about stress-free parenting when, for example, we do not pay attention to a child who puts his hands in the cake during a party, who can watch fairy tales past bedtime, or decides what he will do or eat at a certain moment. Are the consequences of such action stress-free for the child? Or for the parent watching it happening? This so-called “stress-free parenting” results in even greater tension than other parenting methods, and the number of people who will really care that the child does not experience any stress is actually negligible!
Between the emotions of adults and children
The number of parents who cannot cope with the emotions experienced by their child, however, is quite significant. They are a bit afraid of them, a little stressed about them, and see them as evidence of parental mistakes. On the one hand, we have parents who want the baby to cry on its own, but on the other hand, are a bundle of nerves when they actually leave it alone with those emotions. Sometimes hysteria, crying, or outbursts of anger in children cause frustration and escalate parents’ internal aggression, which eventually finds an outlet. There are also situations where we can’t stand such a “hysterical” child any longer, and we look for an escape. Is that stress-free parenting? Only in theory because both the child and parent experience greater tension in such moments. It is certainly not attachment parenting.
Principles of attachment parenting
In contrast, attachment parenting implies the complete acceptance of the child’s emotions and appreciation for them. In this context, emotions are necessary and carry extremely important information about what is currently happening in the toddler’s inner world, so they cannot be avoided and must be accompanied. Parents who practice attachment parenting do not open a protective umbrella, isolating the child from real life, but allow the natural flow of all emotional states in which it can count on their help and support. Attachment parenting carries one more truth – about the negligible value of intentionally evoking emotions in a child, such as embarrassment, fear, or blackmail. After all, our brain learns best when it is relaxed and healthy, not when cortisol hits extreme levels. Attachment parenting also distinguishes good motivating stress from toxic stress. Caring parents, who closely observe their child, can see when stress is a challenge for them and when it has become detrimental. Psychology describes it similarly.
The next time you are faced with the challenge of harnessing your child’s emotions, remember that “the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice” (Peggy O’Mara). So use your words wisely and be there when they need you.
